Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
