i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
