and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
