You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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