and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
