based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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