I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
