It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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