she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
COCAINE IS GR8
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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