i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
