I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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