new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
This is the high leading the old right now
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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