i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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