im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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