dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
