Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
