My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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