My underwear smells like fireworks.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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