I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
