Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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