The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
