She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
