Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
