I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Randomize
