Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
