Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
