And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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