Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
