Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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