I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
