Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
