I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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