fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
