we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros, bitch!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
