I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
