so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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