When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
