I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
