If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
