youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
