i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
