im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
