can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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