And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
