I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
