I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
