I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He better not be in your backpack
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
