i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
