i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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