Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
