yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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